Worship was fun today... After so many weeks of dull monotonous worship sessions, I finally find joy in serving again. I love to play for Him... I love to make beautiful music and give my best to Him. Its just that I haven't been the best spiritual state for the past few months. And now, coming back to Him reminds me of what I've been missing. I overheard some new-comers say that the worship was very good. It makes me happy that I can play music to help people come into the presence of God.

::: Word of the Day :::
carte blanche (noun.)(French)
Unrestricted power to act at one's own discretion; unconditional authority: gave the contractor carte blanche to modernize the kitchen

It leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. I don't feel motivated enough to do anything. I haven't had breakfast or lunch even. Whats wrong with me? I want to get right with God. But the thought of it... repels me. I'm shocked too but it does. Dear God... Have I fallen so far? Am I so proud that I would not crawl back to you? Dare I show my indignation? God... I need to run away. Just for awhile. Just for a couple of days. God, I wanna run away with you.

::: Song of the Day :::
In my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

how long must you wait for it?
how long must you pay for it?

I was scared
Tired and under prepared
But I wait for it
And if you go
Leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you

Sing it please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me
| coldplay - in my place |

Try this...
If there were a thousand men standing in a circle, and they were given a single gun with unlimited ammo. The first man would shoot the second man and then pass the gun to the third man. The third man would then shoot the fourth man and pass the gun to the fifth man. If this was to continue on and on in a circle, who would be the last man standing?

Its not as easy as it looks. After a few rounds the pattern changes and you start to get confused. Leave a comment with the formula if you can figure out the answer. =) Lissa was asking us (Lynette, Dale & myself) during the reunion dinner just now. We spent the next 45 minutes trying to figure it out. We know the concept of it but we can't get the formula down. Wahaha...

I'm struggling with myself about the change. I'm having 'mood swings'. Sometimes I feel like I can & should do it. But at other times, I feel like I can't carry on. This path cannot be journeyed alone.

My mind and my heart are out of sync... I don't think its possible for me to keep it up. I can't keep giving if my actions are not reciprocated. I desperately want to. But I can't. It just feels like I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm reminded of what my mom told me a couple of years ago. About a dream that my aunt had about me. She said that in her dream she saw me being stepped on by numerous people. Maybe I should be more assertive. But I find that I don't have the right to be assertive if I'm not entirely right. I don't like the feeling when people become defensive and shoot back at me for my flaws. So I remain uninvolved at times when I should speak out.

3 years ago, I changed because I was forced to. I think its time I carried on. Its time for another change. Its time to grow up.

There's no more trying tonight

I'm halfway through the two strenuous weeks of exercises. I managed to survive Exercise DiamondLink & the Army Half Marathon. It was a Half Half Marathon for me. I only ran 12 km. I don't think I could have made it if I had to run 21km. Missing all those Battalion Runs wasn't such a good idea after all. I managed to complete the stupid run in 1 and a half hours. Not fantastic. Especially when you compare it to the Kenyan looking guy who came in first in the competitive 21km run. I think his timing was about 1 hour and 10 minutes. Thats so fast, I can't even imagine it.

Had a talk with the cell (ie. Jeremy and Alicia) last night over a wonderful supper at Blooie's. I'm so relieved that they understood my situation and my busy schedule. They even offered to help out if they could. Thank God for that.

This coming week would be a slightly easier one. I get to stay out this entire week. I'm attached to the IKC2 showcase at Stagmont camp. Praying for good weather. I don't want to be baked in the parade square.

2 hectic weeks coming up. God help me.
My body is failing me. I have to rely on God.
But I'm not connecting to God.
So its becoming a vicious cycle.

I will rely on You because no one else seems to care.
I can't live like this.
I can't balance NS & Church.
(Or rather I can't be so involved.)
And I can't drop NS.

What do I do now?

I'm having nights out and I'm at Jurong Point now. We just ended an exercise and I'm so tired that I could lie down and sleep now. But I felt that I just needed to get out of camp. I'm sitting at MosBurger looking over at KFC and I just saw this guy go up to the salesgirl of the KFC ice-cream counter and ask for her number. Surprisingly, she gave it to him. I could never do something like that. You could say that its because I don't have the guts. I choose to believe that its not my style.

So anyway, because of the recent buzz of activity, I haven't had time to spend quality time with God or even to update this blog. But I am working on it!

Charis had a match on Sunday with MPCC. Having not played soccer for more than a month, we were desperately lacking in match fitness and basic ball control. Our weak point, the center of midfield was even worse than usual! Every goal kick that we had ended up with the opponents and every time we moved forward to attack, we would be cut down before we reached their penalty area. We were 1-0 down at halftime because of what I thought was a poor decision by the referee. I was trying to intercept the ball from this guy in midfield. It was a waist high pass to him and while I was jumping to meet the ball with my foot, I felt him push me such that the ball went between my legs. This allowed him a free run on goal and the assist. There were also the crazy tackles from behind which went unpunished.

In the second half, I put 5 men in midfield but we still couldn't hold the shape. We let in the second goal from a downward header. I managed to pull back one from long distance in the middle of their half but although it was a beautiful goal, we couldn't push for the equaliser. Their striker managed to dribble past 2 of our players to score their third goal.

The guy who asked for the KFC girl's number is now smsing and she is replying from her counter. They are barely 5 metres from each other... (-_-)
I just bought 2 new books. 'Tuesdays with Morrie' & 'The 5 People You Meet in Heaven'. I'm so broke now. I'm still waiting for my reimbursement for the drum skins from church.

::: Song of the Day :::
If you'd like to walk a while
We could waste the day
Follow me into the trees
I will lead the way

Bring some change up to the bridge
Bring some alcohol
There we'll make a final wish
Just before the fall

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
(Here forever deep beneath the dirt)
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
| foo fighters - still |